14 Things Pentecostals Say When They Pray Over You

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The progression of prayer in a Pentecostal school.

1. “Can I lay hands on you?”

This might be said after someone has already laid their hands on your shoulder. So, yeah, sure, go for it. You’re already quite comfortable with me…

2. “Thank you Jesus for this brother/sister in Christ…”

This might be followed by, “This person just has such a beautiful spirit Lord, please help them.” Like, come on, we just met. It’s kinda weird that you’re calling me beautiful.

3. “Jesus, we just come to you in faith, our hearts humble before You. This opportunity You have put before us is a divine appointment…”

I see that you have a degree in Christianese. This is very impressive. Please continue with your intro-prayer-thing.

4. “Jesus, I just pray a hedge of protection over this person right now…”

Let’s not just throw this one out. It actually comes from Job 1:10, which makes this Biblical. But let’s talk about how great hedges are at protecting things. Spoiler alert: walking through hedges is about as hard as walking through waist deep water. Not very protective.

5. “Jesus just wants the best for you, He just wants you to have peace and strength and wisdom and boldness and… just peace and the joy of the Lord…”

We just met, and you didn’t ask me what I needed prayer for, so I suppose praying every conceivable thing over me is the only option left. Carry on.

6. “Oh Jesus, just, Jesus, just come to us now Jesus, yes Jesus, You are here Jesus, just, Jesus yes…”

You: “Why do you keep saying just and Jesus in every sentence?”
Intercessor: “What? I don’t do that.”
You: “…Yes, yes you do.”

7. “Jesus, I just pray that this person will be a light to this world…”

Does this mean that I need to carry around a flashlight and explore dark corners?

8. “What was your name again?”

“Oh… Yeah, I never gave you my name. You just walked over and started praying.”

9. “I just have to ask, do you play an instrument?”

What is this even supposed to mean? We’re in prayer, not a One Accord audition. Let’s get back to prayer.

10. “Do you have anything that I can pray for?”

That might have been a better opening question…

11. “In your Word it says…”

Do you mind giving the reference for this? I’m afraid that you might commit plagiarism if you don’t cite your sources.

12. “Oh Jesus, just reveal your will for this person right now…”

I know we’re at Friday Prayer and Fasting, but I’m pretty sure my stomach’s will is to go get some lunch at the deli…

13. “How are you feeling?”

That awkward moment when someone asks you this question and a healing hasn’t taken place because you aren’t even sick…

14. “Are you ready to receive the gift?”

You: “Oh, no, it’s not my birthday.”
Intercessor: “No, I meant the Baptism of the Holy Spirit…”
You: “Um, I’ve actually been praying in tongues this whole time.”
Intercessor: “Oh. Well, God bless!” *runs off to deli*

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