Sooner or Vader: The Dagobah Downers

moriah vader

November 2010: “The Dagobah Downers”
By MO HENKELMAN
Columnist

“Sssssssss.”

The hiss of the bog became even more prominent the longer I stayed. I’d expected it to fade into the background of my existence.

“Ssssssss.”

But it just keeps going. The dark, thick vines tangle and strangle all in their path. The glug, glug of finality signals my ship’s demise. An eerie mist settles over not only these surroundings but also my heart. The brush, brush and snapping of twigs signals the approach of some unseen creature. This is definitely not the Dagobah I’d dreamed of. Also, I’m the whiniest Jedi in the galaxy–granted I’m the only Jedi that is left–but still. I’m really whiney.

That’s right. It’s me. Luke Skywalker.

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Yeah, I’m pretty awesome (and not cocky at all). Yeah, I pretty much single handedly brought down the Death Star in A New Hope (insert snarky comment here about the fact that I really do lose one of my hands in The Empire Strikes Back therefore making the “single handedly” comment much more hilarious but also painfully obvious and less funny as the joke is explained). Jeez, I tell you what, sometimes these crowds at the Mos Eisley Cantina just really aren’t what they’re chalked up to be.

At the end of my last film, A New Hope, they gave me medals for being ridiculously awesome. Granted, they did give medals to Chewie and Han–but who’s really counting?

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Anyways. Back to Dagobah. Well, first to Tatooine. So, I spend most of my life dreaming of bigger things. And where does that get me? All of my relatives die. Stormtroopers are so not the MADD of this galaxy. I get attacked by some Tuskan raiders; get picked up by Obi Wan Kenobi and subsequently learn the ways of the force (but apparently not enough since they send me to Dagobah in Empire Strikes Back).

So. Dagobah. Here I am. It’s slimy, gross, and there’s a weird little green guy running circles around me. Looking back at Tatooine, staring at those moons, I never thought this is the place I would end up. I guess what I’m basically trying to say is that you never know what’s going to happen–what road fate will lead you down. I mean look at my dad (ho-purr ho-purr). Don’t let the weird stuff drag you down; instead, build yourself up with the crap that life throws your way. Learn how to do a handstand and balance a ridiculous pile of rocks while a really short green guy watches you and uses improper syntax.  Do good with yourself, you will, if listen you do, to me. Also, don’t make out with your sister.

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